I knew what to write when I got up this morning but as usual, I lost track of what I wanna write about later on. Sucks. Its hard to imagine 2 people who speaks the same language and grew up in the same culture, couldn't communicate properly. This girl, whom I've been talking to for the past 2 weeks told me this: "You love to fight. You love to debate. You love to provocate." Anyway this was what happened last night. She told me she's been avoiding this guy who wanted to have flings with her. He kept pestering her by calling and sending sms to her so she decided to ignore his calls and smses, and he stop calling + smsing her after a few days. Yesterday, while she was out shopping with her bf, she ran into that guy. She pretend she didnt see him, and soon enough that guy sms and said her bf is handsome. What happened next? Right, she replied with a 'thanks.' and said thats being polite. So I told her by doing that she's inviting the guy to give it another go to harass her. Things were going fine and he stop harassing you once you ignore him. Now you are go back to square one by replying him. He's gonna come back stronger and harder to shoo away now. What I meant was she should just continue ignoring him, and trying to be polite to guys you wanna avoid is stupid. Why you wanna be polite to people you don't wanna see, meet again and are dispensable? They are to be treated like they never did exist what. Funny, aint it? And I said something like she's not honouring her words and being someone who said one thing and do another, somewhat like a hypocrite. Next thing I knew, tantrums are hurled towards me at the speed of lightning. Oh well, I've only got myself to blame. I shouldn't give opinions when they're not asked for. I shouldn't have point out things that people might have missed. So much so for being bothered with other people's business. I think this incident strengthen the fact that I should really try to adopt a fuck care attitude.

Just watched this documentary on channel news asia about a girl in china who had uteris cancer. She have to go thru those laser treatment every month and she feel really tired after that. Ever since she had cancer, she started losing weight drastically and is constantly feeling weak and tired. She weeps every now and then because she can no longer be like the others. She doesn't have the strength to even go for a movie. She started losing hair because of the treatment and has to wear a wig. She cry and cry whenever she think of the things she use to do. She doesn't know when she'll recover. She doesn't know when she can go out like the others again. She doesnt know how much longer she have to be like this. She can only watch tv at home, move around the house is also a tedious task. She doesn't know when she's going to die. I feel somewhat like her. Though I am much better than her, I can still go out and I know I will definitely recover, but the way she speak her mind touches me. Her mom's constantly reminding her to have confident in herself and be more positive. It sounds like her mom is telling me as well. I do feel fucking down at times, thinking of the fun, joy and freedom I'm missing. I know there are alot of people who are concern about me out there, but this feeling always come whenever I miss certain ocassion due to my injuries. Nevertheless, this feeling only last for not more than a day, and thank goodness, I think I'm slowly picking myself up again. I'm starting to appreciate myself better. I know I'm better than alot of people out there and I feel better, alot better. I try not to let this feeling bring me down and even if it succeed bringing me down, it wont last more than a day. I'm feeling good now, after reassuring myself with this entry.


But I wonder how long will it last.....

Had breakfast with Colin yesterday and shared some views with him. Seems that I'm too particular about some stuffs while the latter was taking things real easy. Right, shouldn't be so persistant about stuffs. People with too much angst will look at life as too short to compromise, while Forrest will look at life as too short to be too particular about things. Its a battle between Optimism and Pessimism, which one are you? Guess I'll just try to accept things as they are, its not doing me good. Sure, I'll adopt a fuck care attitude.

I've just recieved a sms that said one of my long lost friend is going over to China to work + staying there for good. I merely replied "Oh ok...". I wonder if I've really changed. I use to be so bubbly, so full of enthusiasm, so warm, so fun to be with. Now everything seems kinda dull to me. Nothing seems to excited me or bring me down. Or am I constantly down? No idea. Ah yap told me about the stupid things I did during the poly days and I can remember none. Fuck, I'm so depressed these days that I really get fuck up mood swings now and then. Ok, back to the friend who's leaving for good. His nick was goofy by the way. Didnt get to see him for at least 2 years now if I didnt recall wrongly. Not really a close friend but he's more than just an acquaintance. Had some crazy time with him and the other guys but can barely recall what are the crazy stuffs we did. Mike the frog called me just now and ask if I'm going for his farewell dinner at Newton this coming Saturday. I really dunno, I'm having this phobia of seeing old friends. I don't think I'll go, not even Mike's wedding in September. I think its silly just to gather because someone is going somewhere for good, or someone is getting married. If not, nobody bothers to gather at all. Why do you need special occasion to get together and have a few beers along with some dishes? Why cant people do this slightly more often than seldom? Oh, because if we do this too often then "special occasion" like this one will be rendered as "specialless"? Because you get to see the someone too often? "Quite ridiculous", I thought. Ok maybe I'm being critical but how about looking at it this way; When someone's around you, you'll think, "oh, he's staying somewhere near me so I can ask him out whenever I want", and you didnt. When he's leaving, you'll think "oh...its gonna be hard meeting up with him next time so I better do so while he's still around". What is this? Facts of life? You think so? Or is this "taken for granted" thing coming into the picture once again? I'm not whinning, I'm just joting down whatever flashes thru my mind when I got that message. When someone(I'm talking about people who you call "friends") is around we seldom pay attention to their existence, maybe some, not all. When they are leaving, everybody go hoo haa over it just because you call him a "friend". Nonsense isnt it? Only when someone's leaving then you try to get nostalgic for a good few hours with him. Fuck, this is digusting. I don't think I'll be going, I've got phobia meeting long lost friend now and it sucks to answer their enquires.

Everyone is taking off in their life and I'm still sitting down here idling away. Who the fuck cares, I'm not aiming to be in the top level in life so I guess I'll just slack my life away. Got an email from someone I dunno and I find the attachments quite nice so I would like to share it with you guys. Sorry to those who can't read chinese because you're too lazy to learn your own heritage. Look up in a chinese dictionary if you dunno some words, that is if you still bother....






















Quite relevant for me at my age where everybody's settling down. How about you?

Saturday night night night....doing nothing going nowhere talking to no one simply no life. Listening to some nostalgic chinese songs now. I use to be quite hardcore with chinese songs, would listen to one particular song day and night and practise how to sing it. Usually it only takes me a day or two to master the song and sing it during karaoke sessions to impress the chicks. Then came 1998, the chaotic era of my life. I use to go Madamwong 3 times a week, but I was seldom drunk and making a scene of some kind. I dont pop pills nor do I smoke pot. I dont do ONS as well, not that I dont want but its more like none wanna do with me. Thats when I started listening to english songs since Retro was the in thing at that time. Then came trance when I party over at Zouk/phuture and other gig by some big fuck dj like PVD. Anyway I'm getting more and more stone now so I guess I'll stop here. To be continued...

What do you guys think of friends who only show up once every 1-2 yrs, because you happen to cross their mind all of a sudden? Well, one of my friend said they can say the same thing about you, unless you did try to ask them out and stay in touch but they ignore you and things like that. Yeah, how often do you look for them? Hmm...I remember I did tried to ask them out when I was able to 2-3 yrs back. Some turn up some didnt. And that was the last time I seen some. After that I didnt really make an effort to organise nostalgic sessions with friends anymore. Its really sian when you hear them say "who's going?" "see how first" "I'll get back to you". You get so sian listening to all these replies that you think you're wasting your time planning all these stuffs. I guess I continue this tomorrow...soccer time....

Ok..lets continue from where I left behind. Friends they come they go, some are just not worth keeping. True, people who think of you during important occasion shows that they value you. They want to share with you some important things in their life by getting you involved. Yeah, to some extend its right. But I just feel weird when people only show up during occasions like marriage, moving into new apartments and such. If not, you won't hear from them for 2-3 even 4 years. Don't really like friendship being treated this way, its just me. I've always take friendship as an on-going thing. You dont have to keep in touch everyday but meet up once awhile shouldnt be that diffcult. No time in 6 months is kinda unbelievable and Zingapore is not really that big an island since DR Masturbate say you can plunge into the sea just by shifting up to 4th gear. Since its so small, travelling time wont be more than 1 1/2 hours. But I guess Zingapore is one fast moving country and no one can stand wasting 1 1/2 hours on travelling, thats why friends seldom meet up. You might say I'm being critical about how friends should behave, but I guess you will tell yourself how you wanna run your life so thats how I wanna run mine. No one is indispensable in this world. You lose some today you'll gain some tomorrow. So start treating those worthy friends the way you should from today onwards, never take them for granted in case your friends think like I do.....

You are blue!


What colour are you?
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Saw that girls? I'm your perfect lover so what are you waiting for? Call me today~!! Hehehe....

If I get this kinda girl serving me in mcdonalds, I bet I'll go there 10 times a day...hehe

Yo wassup my chinks? Lets hippy hippy hop hop~ Yeah~ Its jam for the ladies and the superstars, I could leave the whole set but never go too far! This insomnia is getting from bad to worse. Slept at 5am and woke up at 7.30am, which was just now. I guess I was woken up by my own laughters. Yeah! Fucking funny dream I had just now. I was in somekinda of subway, you know those kind that's found in Matrix? Those american style subways, not the local cock mrt's. I was with this guy, an angmo guy. From what I remember, he looks kinda like Christopher Lambert(Highlander). We were talking about something but I cant recall the content. Then came this guy who looks like K1(in case you dunno who K1 is, please refer to ah wee) and he was like saying hi to us. We said hi back and K1 asked us about something, which I cant recall as well. Then he was like saying, "Hey thanks guy, by the way my name's Gay, Gay Lim". I look at Christopher, he look back and both of us burst into laughters! (Ok I know that's kinda rude in real life but fuck, its my fucking dream so stop criticising me in your head) K1 got pissed and said, "Look you don't have to mock at us gays, we're humans afterall and gaying is perfectly fine! We choose how to live our lives and we dont need you guys to tell us how to live!" Ok, fair enough, I've got nothing against gays but what the fuck, do you have go the that extend by addressing yourself Gay? You scare people don't know you gay meh? Thats what we laughed about in the first place, not about you being and gay. I'm heterosexual doesn't mean you have to be one as well. Then he started hitting us with his umbrella and we got pissed as well. And you know what? Christopher moved away from him faster than a speeding bullet, like those set in Matrix as well! Wow..so stylo hahahahaha...and K1 got intimidated abit before he turns real pissed! He pull out his pistol and shout in a wimpy fashion. "Don't move, this is LAPD!", Christopher didn't give a damn of cos and he started saying things like "bring it on" or something. K1 fires 2 shots and Christopher dodges the shot ala Matrix manner as well. Hahaha!!!! Fucking funny can! Then police started pouring in from all over the place and we were trapped! But heck, we managed to escape somehow but I dunno how so quit asking me how. Then we saw K1 saying thanks to those police and he was again repeating that line that started the whole shit. "Hey thanks comrades, by the way my name is Gay, Gay Lim", and the police look at each other before they all burst into laughters like we do. Fucking funny can! Then me and Christopher started walking and I realise the surrounding's fucking familiar. Hey! I'm at Rochor!! That building is Sim Lim Square!!! Holy fuck....and thats the end of this ridiculous epic. Got up and fed myself some really nice instant noodles, tomyam flavour. Yeah its nice, I like salty and spicy stuffs. After that I sat down to type this entry, and I'm still typing it now. So you've just travelled with me from the past to the present, isn't that wonderful? But by the time you read this I'm already in the future hahahhaa...I'm fucking ridiculous. Maybe I'll play some GT3 later on......ciaos!

Oh fuck I'm back 5 secs after I said ciaos. I remembered I wanna show you guys some pics Juno took. Juno you're damn cute you know that? Its been quite sometime since I smile after looking at someone's sms. The way you bring out your anger is really funny hahhaha...But I guess you wont be reading this post since you're like so busy with your life now hehe....I know I should seek your consent first before using your material but I guess you wont mind this rite? The pictures wont give away your position don't worry. I downloaded the pics from your site too so don't worry about me giving your whereabouts away as well. Alright? If you feel exposed by me, just lemme know ok? I'll remove the pics as soon as you tell me...meanwhile, here are the pics, courtesy of Juno when she doesnt have the slightest idea I'm posting her material here hehehe....

Hey, look! Its Mars!!!




Look, its Mars again and you are closer to it now!!




Can't get any closer than this leow. Ya..its Mars again!!!



She showed me this series of pictures last night and this was what I commented.

When i first saw the pic i tot "wow!! mars is definitely as bright as the moon siah...so far yet can reflect till so bright. Must be as reflective as a mirror" then juno told me to look at the dot by the side of "mars" and i tot..."wow..got its own moon somemore!" Then i sense something amiss somewhere..."mars like never heard got moon one leh" i told mahself...."and i heard its a red planet...so how can red color reflect that amount of light?"...then i realise that "moon" beside "mars" is pretty red and i suddenly go "oh!!! So that little dot is mars!!! Wat the fuck...." So from today onward I learn this valuable lesson, "Never try to find Mars when you just woke up, you will end up looking stupid to pple"

Period.















































































YOU THOUGHT THAT BRIGHT ROUND ROUND THING IS MARS TOO RIGHT YOU BUNCHA DIPSHITS!!!!! AND YOU THOUGHT THE LITTLE DOT BESIDE THE BRIGHT ROUND ROUND THING IN THE FIRST PICTURE IS YOUR PEESAI ON THE MONITOR RIGHT AND YOU TRIED TO CLEAN THAT DOT AWAY FROM THE BRIGHT ROUND ROUND THING RIGHT YOU BUNCHA DIMWITS!!!!! Hmm.....oh...erm.......ok, you knew which one was Mars right from the beginning. Thats.....erm...cool. Ok, I'm the only dolt around who think that bright round round shit was Mars...........but hey!!! Wait a minute!!!!! HEY I'M NOT THE ONLY DOLT AROUND!!! AH WEE ALSO THOUGHT THAT BRIGHT ROUND ROUND SHIT WAS MARS TOO!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Ok, now I feel better.....I'm not lonely out there. My life revolves around her and she's always there with me, and I'll always be there for her, as long as dumbshit fuckup stupid ridiculous things dont get between us.....


P.S 'Fucking funny can' was inspired by ah wee as well. She's a Malaysian wannabe.

The shrink told me being sianz is having self pity. Because you cannot accept the fact that you have nothing to do. You cannot accept the way things are and so you're sian. Humans are constantly comparing themselves with someone on top of them. Nobody go around comparing themselves to the less fortunate. Who would be thankful that they can walk? Maybe some do but i can say 98% of the population take alot of things for granted. No ordinary people will know how to appreciate the things that most people are doing everyday. We say thanks to having things to eat etc etc, but are we really thankful? We're taking alot of things for granted. Alot of you are taking things for granted without realising it. I am too, I didnt say I'm not. You cannot accept the kinda things that are going around you thats why you're filled with hatred. You dunno why are these things happening to you and not others because you refuse to accept that fact. So what if you cant accept? Ever think of the worst scenario? What if the thing you're experiencing now, is not the worst? Then how are you going to handle somthing worse? You cant say this is the worst leow cos you wont know what lies ahead. Fuck lar...I know all this shit. Knowing and accepting it is two totally different matter. I hate the shrink cos he's disappointing. He thought I'm just your average guy who doesnt know what the fuck is going on. I feel like telling him off. I feel like showing him who's the real Oracle but I know by doing that I might make him commit suicide that very night. Nevermind, I don't have to convince him anyway, I'll just let him say what he wants and earn his living. I need someone who's more convincing than this soya bean dude. I need someone who can change mah mindset. Dont tell me its up to me. I know its up to me, but I need something or someone to drive me into making me accept myself. I'm talking nonsense? Of cos of cos....I am whatever you say I am....if I wasn't, then why would I say I am?

I finally get to see my shrink today. No fancy couch, no fancy paintings hanging on the wall, no pretty lady dressed in a suit, no relaxed ambience, no nothing. I guess I've watched too much movies. Its that plain old room that I've been visiting for the past few months, except that its a different doctor this time. This old male shrink looks nothing like a mind reader. He kinda remind me of the old chap selling soya bean in the nearby hawker center. Well, he was kinda fierce when he talk to me, in a reprimanding tone. I dont like that of cos. I'm looking for someone, whom I can "open up mahself and talk to", thats what I've been telling myself when my doctor referred me to a shrink. He's saying that I've got too much self pity in me, that I think the whole world owes me something. Kewl, thats what I've been telling people too. When I told him my brother kept saying that I didnt put in effort to healing faster, he said my brother was probably right. He said only when people care for you and you didnt show any improvements, they would get frustrated and start reprimanding you. It only shows that they care, and they wont even give a damn to you if they didnt care. Cool. I said that to pple I screwed at times too. I told them, "If not because you are my friend you think I wanna screw you? Fuck you understand! If you're not my friend I rather go play my playstation2 than screwing you". In a way, its true. No doubt with that care my brother have for me, I'm not suspecting anything other than that. Perhaps he used the words? Anyway thats beside the point. I'm utterly disappointed with the shrink. I can gain more just talking to the wall than talking to him. He's telling me the things I already know. Maybe I misinterprete what a shrink does. I always thought they are there to listen to you and try to understand you. Guess I'm wrong. Nevermind, at least I'm there, done that, and know what the fuck its all about. Psychiatrists are merely people out to con your money into believing they give a shit about what you're going thru. I only want to talk to someone who doesn't know me at all, but still interested to know whats going on in my puny mind. Thought shrinks are suppose to do that, professionally. I guess, I'm qualify to be one myself, if thats how the game's played.

Hey! Its only 7+ in the morning! WAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? Ya...my biological clock is screwed. I slept at 3 last night and I got up 730 this morning. Having this sinus shit and I kept sneezing and sneezing till I cant get back to sleep. Anyway was kinda hungry and guess wat? I ate one durian all by myself wahahaahahhahahha!!! Fuck the durians....I can hear them calling for me in the kitchen. So I got up, split the motherfucker up and ate it. Nice! Ahh can't really describe to you how the thing taste but its simply awesome! Blogger seems to be having some problem now so I better not blog too much incase this entry's not gonna be saved.

I woke up 8 this morning because I had a bad dream and I couldn't fall back to sleep. I dreamt of playing pocker with 2 fellars and I lost like 100k. The funny thing is the fellar who won had 3 aces and 2 sevens. I had 3 sevens and 2 aces. That makes 5 aces and 5 sevens in a deck of card which is not possible. Fucking hell...why the hell did I let him win those money when its not even possible to have 5 aces and sevens. Nevermind about that. Since I couldn't fall back to sleep I got up and started to search for things to eat. Kewl...there's a durian on the table so I ate half of that. Now I'm kinda itching all over. Could it be I'm allergic to durian? How can that fucking be? I've had millions of durians in my entire life and its just not possible for me to be allergic to that thing that resembles a porcupine. Might be the oyster I had last night. Maybe its the otah? Ah fuck...I think its the weather. Stuffy and humid since last night. Yeah...last night I went to mohd sultan with Sharon, Colin and Celeste. Had a fucking good time cracking jokes cos they can really laugh at it. I love people who thinks I'm funny wahahahaha...What about those who thinks I ain't funny? Well, I haven't come across one who doesn't think I'm funny wahahahhahhaha....Ok, thats cocky I know. Anyway we had coffee at Cafe Cartel at Mohd Sultan and then we shift to Bedok 85 for that famous Barchormee + Fried Oyster with Eggs + Stingray(yum!) + Otah + Chicken Wings + Sugarcane Juice + Nasi Lemak(only Colin had that) and a few menthol ammo(I'm so lonely fagging alone). 2 gals and 2 guys finished all those thang, imagine that....and I'm not the one who ate the most, remarkably, cos I was the largest there. Size doesn't tell much these days. It was Colin. That fellar can really eat I tell you. Anyway after such heavy dinner, that fellar was getting tired cos he's starting to digest all those things he ate earlier on. AND ITS ONLY 10.30PM MY GOOD LORD!! Hahaha...kidding...But since the next day I dont have to work so its kinda early for me to go home at 10.30pm on a saturday night. Morever that fellar's tired so he better go home get some rest. Still need to send his gal back to Ghim Moh...I wouldnt wanna make him make a trip down to Yishun in that state man. So we parted and I hop onto ah yap's car hahahaha...Yap! He's staying around the corner and I have to notify him abit since I dont come to his area that often. So I hop onto a Mitsu Lancer from a Nissan Sunny. Kewl! Hmm...or was that a Rover? Ahh...cant recall since I'm not a car man. Was planning to jam some songs but it started raining after we settle down at the usual spot. Fucking shit. No choice....head back home and that ends a different Saturday night, a night with lesser whines than the usual ones. Oh ya, Sharon bought me this cute porcupine from esplanade and one LMF cd from hongkong...I'll show you guys again when I get new batteries for the Che-Ez Jo lend me. Next time I'm gonna be..CMF!!!!